WHY ARE 2LEGS UPSET AT MY EATING HABITS?

This latest letter asking for Badvice is from Echo, who owns the 2Legs Josef A.B. in South Africa (I think that's a couple blocks over on Dufferin Street).  He writes:

Dear nefarious Arthur TheBad Airedale:  I am an educated K9 much like yourself. 

Only smarter.

I have extended conversations with my esteemed colleague, Aves the Ibis.

Its during this educational talks that I get a glimpse of the true Biteyface meadow all dogs live in.

I am an practitioner of the fine cuisine Coprophagia.  Although I can't seem to sway my neighbors (real downtown dogs unfortunately) or even my colleague Aves, to accompany me in my delightful meals, I must know if there are other K9 dogizens that appreciate the finer things in life.

I would like to know what 2legs problems are also.  They go on something awful when I decide to have en enlightened meal.

Do you think they would like me to share? 

I would like your esteemed opinion on these matters, dear nefarious Arther.

Although I understand that I might need to filter through your meaningless noise, I'm sure I can extract some useful information,

I am quite intelligent.

Echo the educated.

Dear Echo,

I’m glad that you wrote.  We’ve been waiting for a high quality smartass such as yourself.

The phenomenon you refer to is not “Coprophagia”, as the 2Legs call it, but an exquisite combination of sport and culinary arts called “turdfing.”  That is, one goes along in the yard or wherever harvesting the treasures left behind.

The 2Legs seem to assume that we are missing some nutrients or something when one of us does that.

That is not the case.  

At ATBA Enterprises (Arthur TheBad Airedale Enterprises), our scientists and technicians have found that 4Legs who do this actually have a heightened sense of smell and taste.  They so enjoy their food that they keep trying to recreate their last meal, to recapture the essence of what made it so good.

The solution is this:  MASTICATION.  

At our laboratories, we hired interns to masticate in various states and situations.

This is what we found.

The more a 4Legs masticates, the better.  It makes the meals a more memorable experience.

So I encourage everyone to masticate as much as possible.  Masticate in the morning, masticate at midday, masticate in the evening, masticate especially at night.

I masticate as much as possible myself.  I love to masticate at dinner in front of my family.  I absolutely adore making loud pleasure sounds while masticating!

My very favourite is masticating with my love Sage; we masticate together as we look into each other’s eyes (I just posted a video of this yesterday).

So to conclude, turdfing is fine, but you shortchange your dining experience because you do not sufficiently masticate.

Good luck to you, and I hope that you publish lots and lots of photos and videos of yourself masticating.

Sincerely,

Arthur TheBad Airedale