WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?

Dear Arthur,

I have not been on this planet very long, only 6 months, but perhaps you could clear up a mystery for me.

The 2Legs have these “creatures” that live with us. 

They are not dogs, but smaller, and make a “mawing” sound. They never go outside, nor do they want to even though a leash is provided, and they are allowed on the bed and the counter AND they get special smelly food. 

However, the big mystery is this, they also have a box sort of thing that they go into a couple times a day and leave food nuggets in some sort of sand. The 2Legs are forever scooping these nuggets out and throwing them away. However when I go in there to eat a few (I mean why waste food) I get yelled out.

Why throw away perfectly good food? I don’t get it?


Thank you.

Sincerely, Constantine (Stan)

Dear Stan:

You are so right - what a waste of food!  But I will tell you how to solve this problem.  This is perhaps the easiest matter I've ever had to solve with Badvice.

Have you ever read the story of "The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg?"  Of course not!  You're a dog, and so am I.  Neither one of us has read it.  So the story goes like this:  some goose ate a bunch of golden eggs so a 2Legs cut it open to get them back.  But they were too late.

But it's not too late for you!  You see those food treats going into the box, so there's lots more in those things.

Here is what those things are:  they are called ChaseChomps.  You chase them and chomp them.

They come in Chewy and Crunchy.  Sometimes both.

And they come in all kinds of flavours, too:  there's chocolate, and those grey/white ones are liquorice flavoured.  But by far my favourite are the orange/white Creamsicle flavours.

The very, very best thing is that they love for you to Chomp them.  Okay?  Some like you to Chase them before you Chomp them.  Others punch you in the face and make a sound like bacon sizzling (mmmmmm...bacon).

But the point is that you should Chomp them to save your 2Legs the trouble of throwing away all the good food that you could eat.

Bon Appetit!

Arthur TheBad Airedale

I HURT

Dear Arthur TheBad Airedale:

I hurt.

When I was little, I used to run.  Oh, how I ran!  Everything was a blur because I never stopped.

The world was my Biteyface then!  So many smells, so many squirrels to chase.  There were no toys safe from me, not even a Kong.

Whenever I saw my 2Legs family, my heart burst every time.  How I loved them!  And they took me on walks that went on forever.  Sidewalks, parks, hills, streams, forests - we did it all together.

They let me go on rides in the Zoomer with them, and when the window was open I stuck my head out and the wind made my lips and my ears go flurpy-flap.

Every day was happy.

But lately I hurt.

I don’t run much anymore.  It even hurts to walk…I can only move on three legs.

And there’s more.  

Something inside me hurts bad.  It hurts deep inside.  Sometimes it hurts so bad I feel crazy.  Yesterday my young 2Legs touched me in a sore spot while I was napping and I screamed and then snapped at her.

Even worse than the pain inside me was seeing the look on her face.  I was so sad, but didn’t know how to say I was sorry.

The older 2Legs keep looking at me and talking quietly.  And I don’t feel like eating much of anything, not even tasty treats.

Arthur, I’m tired.  I feel as if I need to go somewhere, but I’m too tired to get up and go there.

I’m so tired, Arthur.  And I’m afraid.

Calvin

Dear Calvin:

I know.

I know you’re tired and I know you hurt.

Soon it will be over.  You will go to a place where it’s warm.  The wind blows gently and the grass is soft and has jumping things.  You won’t believe the smells.

You’ll make new friends right away.  You can play Biteyface all you want, or not at all.

The water in the stream is cold and clear, and you can splash all you want.

You will never be lonely, and you’ll never be sad.

But first you must cross a Bridge to get there.

Your 2Legs will help you.  They will take you to the Doctor who has looked at you before and scratched your ears.  They will be crying, because they do not want to say goodbye to you.

But they have to say goodbye to you to help you get over the Bridge.

So they will be with you when the Doctor sticks you with a Sleep Pin.  It will hurt for a second, then you will feel woozy and go to sleep.

As you fall asleep, they will tell you how much they love you.  They will say it over and over.  As you close your eyes, make sure that you kiss their hand to let them know it’s okay.  They love you so very much and need to know you'll be okay.

Don’t be afraid.

I will be with you when you awake and show you everything.

And someday I will bring your 2Legs to you so you will be together always.  Always together.

So sleep.  Sleep, my Little One.

Love, Arthur TheBad Airedale

It's Not Easy Being Green

Dear Arthur:

You caught my attention recently when you answered the dog who ate the book HAMLET.  I paid attention because I am in show business myself.

You may know me; my name is Kermit.  I am rich, famous, and married to a hot pig.  I have lots of money.

But even I have problems.

Mine is that I get no respect.

You see, it’s not easy being green.  No one takes you seriously, even if you’re the Hulk.  People laugh at me.  I’ve never been nominated for an Oscar award.  No one has ever  asked me to play Hamlet or Superman.

What should I do?

Kermit

Dear Kermit,

Come closer.

I’d like to rip off your button eyes and pull out your stuffing, you poor excuse for an amphibian.

Closer…aaahhhhh…thank you.

Sincerely,

Arthur TheBad Airedale

HAMLET DOESN'T TASTE VERY GOOD

Dear Arthur,

I think I ate something that I shouldn’t have.

One of my 2Legs is something called a “teacher.”  He has lots of books in the house and keeps looking inside them for something (maybe something to eat?).  Anyhow, he kept talking about this one book he called HAMLET.  

I like ham and omelets.  So when he wasn’t looking I ripped out full the pieces inside it looking for the ham.  I ate a lot of the pieces.

I did not find any ham.

But ever since then I’ve been barking very strangely.  A day later, I saw a Chihuahua and yelled, “Thou varlet!  Begone, thou fustilarian!”  She looked at me strangely and muttered something about loony tunes.

The next week I said things like “hugger-mugger” and “you churlish boil-brained bugbear!”  A cat laughed at me.  

I feel like such a gore-bellied, flap-mouthed bumbailey.  What should I do?

(Signed) Herb

Dear Herb,

First:  go away.

But since you won’t,  here’s your solution.

Eat a sock.  One of those shiny ones.  They go right through you and clean you out.  Believe me; I’ve eaten many a sock.

Now really - get out of your zwodder and stop acting like such a pox-marked clot pole.

Arthur

DEAR ARTHUR...I'VE BEEN DIGGING

DEAR ARTHUR - I’M DIGGING

Dear Arthur,

My 2Legs keep getting angry at me because I have been digging in the yard.

I don’t know why they yell at me.  

They have a brand new little 2Legs that cries and poops all the time.  

When I go to sniff it, they start screaming really loud. 

The little 2Legs smells really bad and never plays, not even when I bring my favourite squeaky toy and drop it in front of it.

The big 2Legs also don’t play with me any more.  They used to hug me and wrassle with me, but now they just say to go outside.

So I dig.

I dig because I’m bored.

I dig because I’m upset.

I dig because maybe I’ll find something good at the bottom of one of the holes.  I never do, though it smells pretty good down there.

The mastiff down the street says that the little 2Legs is going to be around for a long, long time.  I don’t know if I like that.

So I dig.  And the big 2Legs keep yelling at me even more.

Arthur, what should I do?

Bruce the Digging Dale

Dear Bruce the Digging Dale:

That pink smelly thing is called a BABY.  It will be around for a long time.  It will learn to love you and kiss you more than the big 2Legs.  Just wait.

As far as the digging goes, keep digging.  They love it when you dig.  Don’t be fooled by all their yelling.  Go up to them smiling and laugh and wag your tail,

Here’s another thing you can do that will please them.

Go into their dirty clothes and pick out the stinkiest piece you can find.  Then drag it all over the house and chew on it in front of them, especially when they have someone new come over.  They get all excited and wave their upper tails all over the place as they loudly tell you how wonderful you are.

See how I'm doing it?  Be sure to chew and slobber all over the crotch area, then gallop around the house in a great game of chase.

You can thank me later.

Yours,

Arthur TheBad Airedale

Dear Arthur:

There is a squirrel in the tree in my yard.  He keeps throwing nuts at me.  He’s really mean, too - he says things like “Why don’t you come when you’re called, you Cocker Spaniel!” and “You smell like Shih Tzu!”

This is what he looks like:

What should I do?  All the other Airedales on Facebook are laughing at me and calling me “Wilbur!”

Signed

Tostito El Frado the WonderDale

Dear Tostito:

With your stupid name you deserve to be abused.

However, before you run off to join the circus as a clown, you need to get your game face on and put him in his place.

Try this one:

If that doesn’t work, you can borrow this:

I have found this particularly effective in resolving problems with neighbours.  It shoots bath bubbles; most everyone runs off because they think they'll get a bath any moment.

Hope this helps.  If it doesn't, I really don't care much.

Sincerely yours, Arthur TheBad Airedale

DEAR ARTHUR...DAY ONE

So a lot of my dog friends and enemies have a few problems.

I thought, "Who better to advise them on what to do than ME?  After all, I have a bad attitude, have absolutely no proper judgement, am eternally frustrated because my One True Love is in heat and I can't get near her, and I'm totally corrupted by association with Calvin The'airedale.  There's no one worse suited to give anyone advice, so I will advise anyone about anything, whether they ask or not."

Of course, it would be more helpful if anyone would post their situations to my timeline or contact me otherwise.  Usually I can be found barking hysterically at my next door neighbour, so you'll have to try extra hard to get my attention.

A situation DID come up a few days ago.  My friend Rex, a handsome devil, is also shy.  Here's a photo of him:

Nice, isn't he?  You'd never know that he has an inferiority complex.

Anyhow, he sent me word that he has a secret crush on a certain lady and does not know what to do:

"Dear Arthur:

I am hopelessly in love with Ruby, the dog next door.  Here's a picture of her:

Isn't she absolutely gorgeous?

Anyhow, I want to be next to her and sniff her all over.  I think we could be a wonderful couple.  But she won't have anything to do with me.  What should I do?"

REX

Dear Rex:

That is one homely bitch.  I mean,  come on.  Is that her front or back?

My advice to you is to post this picture in your room:

And keep telling yourself that he wants to have you over for dinner.  That should take your mind off of...whatever that is.

Glad I could be of help,

Arthur TheBad Airedale