I thought, "Who better to advise them on what to do than ME? After all, I have a bad attitude, have absolutely no proper judgement, am eternally frustrated because my One True Love is in heat and I can't get near her, and I'm totally corrupted by association with Calvin The'airedale. There's no one worse suited to give anyone advice, so I will advise anyone about anything, whether they ask or not."
Of course, it would be more helpful if anyone would post their situations to my timeline or contact me otherwise. Usually I can be found barking hysterically at my next door neighbour, so you'll have to try extra hard to get my attention.
A situation DID come up a few days ago. My friend Rex, a handsome devil, is also shy. Here's a photo of him:
Nice, isn't he? You'd never know that he has an inferiority complex.
Anyhow, he sent me word that he has a secret crush on a certain lady and does not know what to do:
"Dear Arthur:
I am hopelessly in love with Ruby, the dog next door. Here's a picture of her:
Isn't she absolutely gorgeous?
Anyhow, I want to be next to her and sniff her all over. I think we could be a wonderful couple. But she won't have anything to do with me. What should I do?"
REX
Dear Rex:
That is one homely bitch. I mean, come on. Is that her front or back?
My advice to you is to post this picture in your room:
And keep telling yourself that he wants to have you over for dinner. That should take your mind off of...whatever that is.
Glad I could be of help,
Arthur TheBad Airedale
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