HAMLET DOESN'T TASTE VERY GOOD

Dear Arthur,

I think I ate something that I shouldn’t have.

One of my 2Legs is something called a “teacher.”  He has lots of books in the house and keeps looking inside them for something (maybe something to eat?).  Anyhow, he kept talking about this one book he called HAMLET.  

I like ham and omelets.  So when he wasn’t looking I ripped out full the pieces inside it looking for the ham.  I ate a lot of the pieces.

I did not find any ham.

But ever since then I’ve been barking very strangely.  A day later, I saw a Chihuahua and yelled, “Thou varlet!  Begone, thou fustilarian!”  She looked at me strangely and muttered something about loony tunes.

The next week I said things like “hugger-mugger” and “you churlish boil-brained bugbear!”  A cat laughed at me.  

I feel like such a gore-bellied, flap-mouthed bumbailey.  What should I do?

(Signed) Herb

Dear Herb,

First:  go away.

But since you won’t,  here’s your solution.

Eat a sock.  One of those shiny ones.  They go right through you and clean you out.  Believe me; I’ve eaten many a sock.

Now really - get out of your zwodder and stop acting like such a pox-marked clot pole.

Arthur